Category Archives: Exhaustion

Tiresome Travel Troubling

I have known for the last 4-5 years that traveling tends to exacerbate the impact of my narcolepsy, in terms of both my sleepiness and its impact on my overall health. The situation makes tons of sense when I think about it — my schedule gets thrown off, driving and flying for long periods put additional stress on my body, I am not in my own bed, and even changing one time zone can affect my biorhythms. As a result of this reality, I do try to allow myself extra time for recovery when I take a trip. I also do my best to balance my activities while traveling so I do not exhaust myself. Even in the best scenarios, my efforts are only mildly successful, but this current summer has put me into an entirely different place.

Because of my new job, I have already spent far more of my summer working like mad to get things ready for the next school year. So, even before my extensive travel started, I was already run down. Added to that is the fact that my daughter is in between grades 11 and 12, so college visit trips have filled up the second half of our summer. My wife, my daughter, and I visited 6 schools in 4 days during our first circuit after spending a long weekend with friends. The experience was awesome in every possible way, but it also left me reeling for the entire week after our return. And, during that week, we decided that my daughter and I would head to 2 more schools this week preceding a conference my wife is attending. All three of us think this current trip is a good idea, but it also heightened the stress level in our house, particularly as my daughter and I reworked almost an entire week of work. And, I was (and am) painfully aware that the cold I got from our first trip continues to linger. Truly, my sinuses are a mess, and I am definitely worried that I will be paying for these trips with my health well into the coming school year. Underscoring that concern is the fact that our busiest trip is yet to come. My daughter and I will make our third and final trip in the first week of August when we plan to visit 8 schools in 4 states during a 5 day window.

Although I do fear what all this flying and driving will do to me physically, I am thoroughly enjoying the experience. Just today, my daughter and I toured a school in the pouring rain. We would definitely have preferred a sunny day, but we still had a great visit. The school impressed both of us, but even better was the fun we had with each other. We took a train there and back, navigated the local bus system, and even found our way to an Ethiopian restaurant (that my daughter wanted to try) near our hotel. We are both exhausted, and we are getting up early for another visit and tour tomorrow, but we are being good to each other and appreciating the experience. In fact, the trek from our hotel to the train station this morning took us across the campus of a college she had not been considering, but tonight she added it to the list because she was so impressed by it. Our final trip in early August will require me to do a lot of driving (since we will be hitting 4 different states), and that makes me nervous because I know how draining the car travel will be. Yet, knowing that the two of us survived our wacky experiences today, I firmly believe that we can make that last trip work, especially if we are conscious of being kind to one another.

These interactions with my daughter are the thing that makes me the most frustrated about how travel tires me and lowers me ability to stay healthy. She is amazing, and I love spending time with her. I just wish the toll for these trips was not so steep for me. That being said, I would not trade these opportunities for anything. More than anything, I need to step back and recognize how choosing to take these trips does have repercussions. And, I need to remember the importance of this time with my daughter when my health, sinuses, and sleepiness continue to spiral on me over the next few months. I also know that I must be more attentive to taking care of myself to minimize as much as possible the negative impact of these college visits. What I must avoid, though, is letting my compromised health steer me into short-changing my wife, my daughter, or myself in our daily lives.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Balance, Driving, Exhaustion, Family, Frustration, Gratitude, Humility, Illness, Insights, Joy, Love, Narcolepsy, Parenting, Scheduling, Sinuses, Stress, Travel, Wisdom

Stress Saps, Stinks, and Slows — for Sure!

The past two weeks at my new job have been insane. As the “technology integration specialist” at my new school, my primary responsibility is to get technology into classes and curriculum, but to do that there needs to be devices for students and teachers to use. Thus, much of the past couple weeks has involved updating, preparing, and evaluating equipment at the school. And, while I do enjoy being helpful when it comes to setting up a computer or moving a piece of equipment, the needs at my new school have been extreme (to say the least). The most amazing part, though, is that I have both been able to put in some extreme hours and been able to stay reasonably calm and upbeat during the process.

My work yesterday, with extremely dated Microsoft Windows PCs, did stretch my patience to its limits, but I wrapped up much early than I did on my other two excessively late nights the previous week — 10:30 PM this time (rather than 1:30 AM and 12:30 AM for the other nights). All of it, though, underscores for me how toxic my previous job had become for me. Had I attempted even one night where I worked close to midnight (doing anything), I would have been recovering for days. Now, at my new job, I have have had three ridiculously late nights within a 10-day period, yet I still have energy and enthusiasm (which is truly remarkable given that overwhelming tedious nature of the work each of those nights). I fully realize that I cannot afford any more nights that stretch far into the evening, but the fact that I have done so multiple times and still have something in the tank is mind-blowing to me.

I share all of this to underscore how deeply stress can impact a person with narcolepsy. The amount of physical, mental, and emotional energy that I expended in my previous job is staggering. Certainly, narcolepsy makes my life difficult, but battling those internal elements (brought on by external realities and my perceptions of them) exacerbated every aspect of my narcolepsy. And, the cycle of facing those stressors, wasting more energy on them, getting more run down, and then finding those same stressors even more insurmountable became its own form of torture. I find it staggering that so much of my limited energy went into simply surviving each day.

The exciting insight for me is that embracing something for which I have enthusiasm (rather than battling aggravations) gives me energy rather than sapping it. The lesson is made even more clear to me in my current situation because the reason for the late nights is mind-numbing boring work — updating software, setting up student PCs, and setting up digital services. Although those activities could prove to be stressors for me in other circumstances, I can (and do) find purpose in them at this time because they will benefit my new colleagues and our students. It also gives me hope as I begin looking for areas of “passion” within my non-work life. And that prospect is truly thrilling. For much of the last 6 years (when I was diagnosed) and even farther back than that, I have only given up activities I have loved and enjoyed in an attempt to survive. Suddenly, I feel like I could start looking for ways to spend free time that would bring me even more strength and energy.

After so many years of facing what narcolepsy “has cost me,” my world has turned on its head. Losing the enormous deadweight of overwhelming stress has unyoked my head and my heart. I am doing my best to stay calm in the midst of this new development, so I do not lose perspective. Balance is most definitely the watchword for me these days, but it is wonderful that hope, joy, and enthusiasm are now things I need to keep in check (rather than items completely missing from my daily life).

1 Comment

Filed under Balance, Blessings, Emotions, Excitement, Exhaustion, Gratitude, Honesty, Hope, Insights, Joy, My story, Narcolepsy, Serendipity, Stress, Technology, Wisdom

Whirlwind Week

It is Thursday evening, and my week feels like it has flown by. Monday, we had no students at school, but needed to be there for an in-service and department meetings. The in-service was amazing. Uncommon Seminars came to lead us in activities designed to help us in our communications with each other. Eventually, our school is hoping to develop a system of teacher, staff, and student support that would resemble the house systems at other schools. To do that, though, our faculty and staff need to learn how to dialogue far more honestly with each other. The folks from Uncommon Seminars helped us take the first steps on that path (and we had a blast doing it). Then, we all got to go to three hours of intense department meetings. Needless to say, I was exhausted by the end of the day, but I still needed to get my daughter home from her school, and I need to get my MacBook Pro into the Genius Bar. Tuesday and Wednesday were crazy because we are beginning research essays on human rights topics. So, between bombarding our students with information and trying to help fourteen and fifteen year old students sort through horrific global issues, I found myself leaving school both days with little to no energy. But, neither day ended with the close of school. On Tuesday, my parents, my wife, and I attended our daughter’s band performance with the combined advanced band and jazz band. Students from various grade schools come together each year to rehearse for weeks to perform this concert. It was great, and I love that my parents got to see her perform, but my brain was turning to mush before we ever got to the concert. Then, on Wednesday evening, all of us had dinner together. The food was fantastic (we ate at The Happy Gnome in Saint Paul), but again, after repeated full days, a three hour dinner with my family does not leave me much room for recovery. Today, I had to get to school far earlier than normal because I was assisting with the young men’s retreat for our eleventh graders. The event was outstanding, but it was another full day. Plus, I had to grade students making up presentations when I got back to school after the retreat. At one level, I am thrilled that tomorrow is Friday, but I also find myself shocked that I still have one more day to go before the week ends. I will get through tomorrow; I just do not know where I will find the energy to do it.

Making things even tougher are a number of sad (and infuriating) pieces of news in my life. Topping the list, my father-in-law is in the hospital again. He has been battling a number of medical issues for years, with the worst three being sleep apnea, type II diabetes, and Parkinson’s disease. But recently, things have gotten worse,  and he is having problems with strange infections that are requiring hospitalization. Beyond that, three different colleagues at work have gotten serious medical things happening. One woman is being placed on extreme bed rest for her pregnancy. Everything should be fine, but still, for a woman to be on bed rest at 31 weeks is a tough situation. Then, another female colleague is having a hysterectomy. And, a third colleague is facing a spinal tumor that is most likely not cancerous, but may eventual confine her to a wheelchair. Far down the scale of serious (yet still frustrating), a friend at work who I am hoping to teach with again is having ridiculous pressure put on her to rush some significant life choices. And, I just learned through the REM Runner blog that the Supreme Court has agreed to hear a case on “ministerial exception” involving a Lutheran school that fired a teacher with narcolepsy in 2005. The school is asking the Supreme Court to rule on whether the “ministerial exception” applies to a teacher who the school has designated a “minister.” The ruling is important because if the “ministerial exception” does apply that teacher cannot sue the school under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Although I feel quite safe in my current situation, the case hits far too close to home. Anyone interested should definitely head over to REM Runner (because she provides far better clarity to the case than I could ever hope to do).

3 Comments

Filed under Confusion, Education, Emotions, Empathy, Exhaustion, Family, Friends, Frustration, Gratitude, Honesty, Illness, Narcolepsy

Family Fun

My parents are in town, so my wife, my daughter, my parents, my sister, my daughter’s friend, and I all made a trip up to Duluth to see other family members. Technically, we made two trips because everyone except my parents and me headed north on Friday. My parents drove me up Saturday. The weekend has been fun, but as always travel is exhausting for me. I am more than a little worried about the impact of driving up on Saturday, seeing lots of relatives, and then driving home on Sunday at midday. Given my stress level from the past week at my job, my time this weekend might have been “best” spent collapsed on a couch in Saint Paul. Because the intensity level in my classroom will only increase in the coming week, I will no doubt pay for pushing my body on the weekend too. I certainly am feeling far more tired today than I have on many other recent Sundays. And, we still need to get in the car for the trip beck home. I will do my best to stay low key today, but there is much to be done in the house too. It has been great to get away, but I hate that life with narcolepsy makes even a weekend trip overwhelming. The other piece that makes a weekend like this tough is that no one in my family fully “gets it.” My wife does have the best level of understanding, but even she had a list of chores I needed to do before leaving for Duluth on Saturday morning. My complete lack of energy on Friday meant that I needed to work like mad on Saturday before my parents arrived. I did a good job of cleaning, but was sweating profusely by the time I finished. For my parents and my Duluth relatives there are always a lot of questions, which I appreciate because it shows that they all care, but narcolepsy rarely makes “sense” to anyone other than other people who live with the condition. I need to get ready to head home now, and tension levels are rising in the hotel room, so ending this post is definitely in my best interest regardless of how tired I am.

Leave a comment

Filed under Blogging, Cleaning, Driving, Exhaustion, Family, Frustration, Gratitude, Honesty, Narcolepsy, Support

Confounding Conundrum

I often think that I work in a mad house, but sometimes things are even more infuriating than normal. Over the past three days, I have been aghast at the flippancy with which other educators handle large scale issues, particularly ones that could have major repercussions. Some of my dismay is fueled by the struggles that I have personally had for the past 12-14 months, but another part of it is the unclear nature of the pseudo-collaborative hierarchy (how’s that for an oxymoron) that runs my school. Couple all of that with a chronic illness like narcolepsy, and no wonder I am drained every day.

Although the posts are not here (yet, I hope), I wrote nearly a year ago about how the school had turned my life upside down by pulling the two other teachers on my team to teach a different course with another team. My new team is surviving, and one of my new co-teachers is outstanding. The other, unfortunately, is not, but that might change for next year. Nonetheless, my two former colleagues went to this other team and have had a rougher year than me. Because of various other issues, their course actually increased in enrollment and now needs a second team to teach it. But, no other faculty want to become a part of the course. So, in ways quite similar to my experiences last year, someone from that course approached a teacher on one of the other teams that teaches the same course that I do. That alone was not supposed to happen again. From that initial conversation that teacher’s entire team suddenly thought that they might be moving to the other course, meaning that within a two year period, a grade 12 course might have pulled 5 teachers from a grade 9 course.

Apparently, everything shifted again today, and now none of the teachers on that other team appear to be moving to the other course, but my concern has far more to do with the guidance (or lack thereof) that any of us are receiving when it comes to curriculum decisions. Even for a healthy teacher, the daily grind of this job is tough to endure. For me, though, my narcolepsy often makes it a struggle to even get to work. When insane decisions suddenly rear their heads, I find myself completely derailed. In one way, whatever happens this year has no impact on me – other than ripping the scabs off of my psychological wounds from last year. At the same time, however, I am deeply affected if major changes happen in one of the other teaching teams of the course I teach. If an entirely new team came on board, the nature of our curriculum would necessitate that teachers from other teams spend large chunks of time with the new team to get them on track. The problem is that I cannot afford to expend that energy. I need to save my strength for my own classroom, for my family, and for myself.

Perhaps, that last item is the part that is most troubling to me. I continue to struggle to save anything for me even now, so I cannot imagine how torn I will feel if there is a brand new teaching team that might need my help. The emotions are compounded by the hurt that I still harbor from last year, though. My school never should have allowed both of my co-teachers to leave at the same time. I would argue that it should never happen, regardless of who the remaining teacher is, but having the “anchor” person on a three person team be someone with a chronic illness is downright criminal. I admit that even I minimize the realities of my condition, but the bottom line is that I am a person with a disability. For my school to place me in a situation where I need to bring two other people up to speed on what we are doing each day is grossly unfair to me and to my students. While we have weathered the storm of this year decently in our classroom, my home life, and particularly my family, have paid a huge price for the extra energy that I have expended trying to make things work in my classroom. The worst part is that I raised these issues when I finally learned what was going to happen, and I went in to discuss them during the current school year when it was obvious that things were not working well. I would even be okay with the complete lack of follow-up that has been the reality of my personal situation IF the school seemed to be working to prevent anything like my experience from last year from happening again. Instead, though, I have spent the last 72 hours learning that the lessons of last year were apparently unlearned in less than 365 days. Yippee.

In the end, everything will work out, but each time something like this happens, another question mark is raised in my mind. I know that I am a good teacher and that most students are well-served by my school, but I feel like we continue to move closer and closer to making some catastrophic decisions. Plus, whether it is the stress or my narcolepsy worsening, making it to work gets tougher and tougher every day. I do hope that I can maintain my current part-time level for four more years. After that, who knows. I love teaching and will miss it terribly when I retire, but I also need to consider what are the core priorities in my life. Those things must come first which I fear means that my teaching career will likely not see the dawning of 2020.

1 Comment

Filed under Confusion, Depression, Education, Emotions, Exhaustion, Family, Frustration, Honesty, Humility, Loss, Narcolepsy, Relationships

Correcting and Convalescing

I awoke today and felt horrid , so I stretched my spring break by a day by using a sick day. I am still not sure how I will be feeling tomorrow, but I do hope that I can get to school. While I did spend the day resting, I was also able to get the grading done that I needed to finish. My focus was mediocre at best, but that likely worked to my students’ advantage. Nonetheless, it is a welcome relief to have the grading done. It drives me crazy that even working part-time is a massive strain on me and that I needed a “day off” even though I had the entire preceding week as vacation. Narcolepsy has many twists and turns, but the constant fatigue can truly drive one nuts at times. One upbeat item from the day is that I do not feel guilty that I stayed home from work. While I know that I would have completed the grading even without the staying home, I certainly did a better job because I was not trying to juggle events at school while I was working my way through things. Plus, I definitely have something crazy happening in my body these days. It could still be recovery from pushing myself to complete the previous trimester, but it could also be a sinus infection or some part of my body going haywire from my various ailments. I simply like that I have reached a point that using a sick day does not cause me overwhelming remorse. The reality is that I have a chronic illness (or two), and thus I need to use my sick days periodically because my body pays a price for me constantly engaging with my students, my family, and my life. The next step will be for me to come to terms with the resentment that I still harbor because I cannot “do” everything that I want to do. Even with my day today, I found myself getting upset that I did not get more done. Even though I did more correcting than I have done in weeks, I was frustrated with myself for not accomplishing more. Somehow, I think I will be walking on this particular path for quite some time, but I do hope that I will eventually find some peace around things that I have “lost” due to my medical condition. I also love that I written two posts in two days. That too is a small victory for me.

Leave a comment

Filed under Blogging, Education, Emotions, Exhaustion, Frustration, Illness, Insights, Loss, Narcolepsy, Sinuses, Wisdom

Wasted Week

I need to get to bed, but I wanted to write at least one post before life completely sweeps me away again. So, I was on “spring break” for the entire past week. Sadly, I have done little to nothing in just about every area of my life. I still have a ton of things to grade before 3 PM tomorrow, our taxes need to get done, our home office needs organizing, and a thousand other things are rushing through my brain. Somehow, I am less stressed than I have been in the past about all of this, but I also find it frightening that I have tried to rest for a week and have little to show for it. I feel worse today than I did 9 days ago when our trimester ended. My back has been a disaster for the past four days, and I need to manage to go to work tomorrow on top of “finishing” my correcting. Oh well, I will make it all “work,” but I find it insane how much my health (physical and mental) can grossly impact my life. I know that daily stress from my job is causing me to be even more drained, but I hope I can find a counter balance soon. Every day, things seem to fall apart a little more. On one hand, I am surviving it, which means that I am doing alright. But, I also know that all of this is slowly chipping away at my ability to remain calm and stable. Sadly, I have had two major eruptions of anger and rage over the past few months. They have all been at home, but in many ways that is even worse because my wife and daughter are the last people I want to upset. Eventually, this school year will end, and I will find some ways to create more balance. I just hope that I can hold it together and start to find positive ways to cope with my stress, anxiety, and poor health. Clearly, starting to blog again will help, but I also want to start some level of exercise and yoga. Those three things will do more for me and my narcolepsy than any medication could ever hope to do.

1 Comment

Filed under Anger, Balance, Confusion, Depression, Emotions, Exercise, Exhaustion, Family, Fear, Frustration, Honesty, Marriage, Narcolepsy, Rage