>I wonder if my amazement for the ins and outs of narcolepsy will always remain this high. Regularly, I lose track of time. I have written about it before – a few times. So, how can I be stunned when it is suddenly 3 PM and I am late for acupuncture. I entered our home office at Noon. I was putting financial information into the computer. I plodded along and even chatted occasionally with my daughter when she entered. Then, while getting something off the printer, I noticed that the computer had the time at 2:56. Honestly, my reaction was disbelief.
I made it to acupuncture and got treated and even got out close to the time I would have if I had been on time – much of that has to do with the wonders of my acupuncturist and the high quality of service at Langford Chiropractic. I even manage to stop berating myself in the car since I clearly am not in control when it comes to the passing of time. But, I am unnerved that the loss of those three hours shocked me. It shouldn’t, but it did. Just one more piece of the coping puzzle. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have such unrealistic expectations, and while I might not like that such delusions stick around, I need to embrace them, just as I do my narcolepsy – yippee!
The other element that made the car ride tough was the flood of other items that had also been on the “to do” list today. Again, I handled it better than I have, realizing that the three hours did get much needed things done, but the other issues still ate at me because they are important too. One clear message in all of the chaos, though, is the need for me (with help) to create a rough schedule for my day. It was a goal at the start of the summer and remains one, MITY makes life hard, and today was honestly the first low key day I have had since school let out. Still, I know myself well enough that I will let the entire summer drift away unless I ask for help in making this framework idea a priority.
I need time for the following: yoga, exercise, family, work, housework, my wife, and relaxation. Even as I type it, I get tense because I am already trying to count the minutes and hours in my head. Invariably, my conclusion is that I don’t have enough room for all of it. But, I need to find the way to balance those things in the time that I do have. Clearly, I need to prioritize the list too – which things should be daily, which can alternate, which are truly flexible, which must be rigid habits. Off the top of my head, the dailies are my wife, family, yoga, and work. Even within that, only my wife and daughter are non-negotiable. Interestingly enough, they tend to be the two on the list that DO get cut short right now.
As for everything else, I struggle with the ideas of how much, too much and when. That is another reason that I need outside input. Getting others to help me construct the structure is important, but equally vital is having outsiders who will assist me in adhering to the schedule. I also must acknowledge that one of my most compulsive tendencies is an over awareness of time. When I write in this blog, “that the computer had the time at 2:56,” it is not necessarily for dramatic or creative effect. My brain grabs on to the exact time and locks it away. It then watches the car clock every inch of the way and frets at every red light. How cool is anxiety, huh? And, my brain does that on 20 mg of fluoxetin. Yeah, it’s fun! Again, it is a piece of me and I must integrate it. But, it makes creating a “loose” schedule dangerous for me. Because I can become obsessive about time, I run the risk of having this helpful tool mutate into a destructive one. That is another reason for the outside assistance. Perspective is a great thing.
Getting a schedule into practice is the second goal I am setting tonight. I have another round of MITY starting next Monday, so I will allow myself until July 21 to get all of the pieces in place, but I also need to build it a bit at a time – or I will fail. I also know that I need to spend more time writing about time. Clearly, I have something happening there that needs to be brought into the light. In the end, though, these are all just steps and none of them will be the magic fix. Each thing I do is within the breadth and width of my narcolepsy. I am certainly more than my condition, but I am subject to its whims – even if I do get my schedule groove on.